July 2011

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Hope

Little J and I were asked to lead the Luminaries lap, during which everyone was silent. Little J carried the torch high above his head. A beautiful and inspiring day.

Photo by Leigh:

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Out in Full Force

Hope

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Setting up at our Relay site. Luminaria on the hillside spell out HOPE.

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We drove down to my parents’ house in the charming town-by-the-sea on Tuesday. It was right after a visit with Doc G.

It was not a good visit.

It was one of those visits in which Doc G. says, with more empathy than any person could ever say, “There is new cancerous activity.”

I honestly can’t recall now how many times it is that I’ve heard this terrible news. Can you? It’s all a blur.

Shattered, I squeezed Dennis’s hand until I could sense that he is, like I am, finally ever-so-slightly weakened by all of this.

Some details: Luckily, no vital organs or bones are involved.
It’s impossible to express how grateful we are for this.

And yet, we are stunned by how quickly the tumors (this time there are several, maybe four?) have manifested. Eight weeks ago, my Pet Ct was perfectly clean.

It was dark by the time we arrived at my parents’ house. Something about the stillness of the forest that surrounds the place, or just being there with family, calmed us immensely. We all slept deeply until nine the next morning.

Since then, Dennis and I have clocked hours alternating between reading, talking, and staring out the window in disbelief.

Little J, happy as a clam, keeps us all in stitches with his breathlessly non-stop narrative of what I don’t know: how to sneak up on an alpaca and how to win a bath tub race. His remote-controlled trucks go bombing through the house where cheers and his laughter bounce off the walls.

For every burst of his joy and for every color of the so many crayons splayed across the kitchen floor, there is a reason to keep on doing this, to keep on fighting this thing that threatens to crush me over and over again. No matter how many times my body is scorched by chemo in order to kill it. No matter how many times I do actually beat it, it keeps coming back.

Thank God for my friends and family who never cease to believe that there is a future for me in spite of all this. Please keep that fire burning and your prayers coming strong.

On Saturday, we will be walking in the Relay for Life back in Sugartown and no doubt we will be carried by the empowering spirit of that event. I’ll be posting pictures and notes throughout the day.

By next Thursday, when I start my new chemo treatment (details to come) I will be back in a place of strength, I’m sure.

For now, it’s nice to have a safe harbor where we can rest and shore up our resources for what’s to come.

Thank you for your prayers and your positive POSITIVE thoughts.

Hugs,

Jenn

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