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I hope this finds you well and that this season has been bright for you. Little J has been diligently indulging in all of the holiday to-dos and little details: helping put the lights on the house, picking the best tree, making a gingerbread house, singing carols, wearing his elf hat… Each morning I wake to the sound of him getting out of bed, turning on the tree lights, changing the countdown-to-Xmas calendar, getting the day’s pieces out of the Lego Star Wars Advent calendar, letting the dog out and the cat in, and then crawling in bed with me to build the Legos and let me know how many days there are left until Christmas. We are well.

I wasn’t sure what to expect this season, this year. This time of year can feel bleak and dreary in a good year. But to see Little J going about his holiday chores and looking so forward to the family coming over, to singing at the retirement home, and to Christmas morning… there is so much hope. There is light.

Back in June, I wrote that although I would leave this site up, I wouldn’t continue to post on Four Seeds because this blog was really all Jennifer. However, there is a story I wanted to share with you.

My colleague Amy came into my office the other day with something she had to tell me. She closed the door and sat down. Amy explained that over the weekend she had gone to see an author speak about her book on death as a natural part of life. This author was also a medium, and as Amy waited in line to meet and say thank you to the author, she noticed that the author was doing quick readings for people. When it was her turn, Amy shook the author’s hand and introduced herself. The author looked at Amy and said:

“Oh, Amy, I see a woman who is young but sick. Skinny with really short hair, she is very sick. Actually, now the woman is beautiful. Her hair is still short-ish and very cute. She has a huge smile and is almost glowing. She is so beautiful. And she is clutching a little boy. She is pointing to the sick woman. She is trying to pass on a message. She wants the little boy to know that she is not sick anymore. That she is beautiful and happy and not sick. She really wants the boy to know this.”

Amy told me all of this a bit nervous about what I would think, but at the end confidently said, “so I am passing this message on to you so you can pass it on to Little J.”

I’m not sure how you feel about mediums (I’m not sure how I feel about them), but this story brought me a lot of peace. I am so glad that Amy shared it with me. I’m sharing it with you because I believe that Jennifer’s message, though directed first toward Little J, is for all of us.

Little J and I did talk about Mom not being sick anymore, and we’ve been looking at pictures of Jennifer pretty much every evening since. We talk about how beautiful she is, her great smile, her laugh, all the fun things we did together, and the silly things she used to say.

Wishing you Peace, Hope and Light, this season and through the New Year.

-Dennis

Ste. Genevieve-veillant-sur-Paris

I have had a few thoughts that I’ve wanted to share, and since today is Jennifer’s birthday, it seems like a good day to do so. Four Seeds is all Jenn, so I do not intend to continue to post here. However, because many people have asked, I do want to let everybody know that I plan to keep the site up so that you can continue to visit and, if moved to, make comments.

Some of you know that earlier this year Jennifer fell in love with Paris. It had always been a source of romance and allure but somehow, in all of her travels, she had never visited the City. After reading a particular book set in Paris, she began planning a trip. She sought more stories set in Paris, looked for movies set in Paris, asked people to forward her photos of Paris. It was settled, we were going…

A week or so after the memorial, I saw a print in my favorite Sugartown antique shop. Something about it kept drawing my attention. I finally picked it up and flipped it over: “St. Genevieve Watching Over Paris” (by Pierre Puvis de Chavannes). Genevieve is the patron saint of Paris. Among other things, as the Huns approached and prepared to attack Paris in 451, Genevieve led the fearful citizens in a prayer marathon that managed to divert the Huns and save the City. It was said that through her instruction and example, she led people to a high degree of sanctity. The print now hangs in our living room.

Everyone reading this has their own unique and personal relationship with Jennifer. However, there is a common theme from people I have spoken with and heard from which is that Jennifer met people and every opportunity assuming the highest potential. As a result you wanted to live to your highest potential. To Jennifer, it didn’t matter where you were from and what you had done. Where you are, what you do in the present, and where you are going, these are most important.

Along with our individual experiences and thoughts of Jennifer, this is what we can all carry forward together. As we do, and as we pay it forward, we will help Jennifer’s spirit live on. We will help Jennifer’s spirit continue to grow.

Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I miss you. I love you. -Dennis

Thank you all so much for all of the loving support and well wishes. As I mentioned the other day, the memorial for Jennifer will be on Monday, June 11.

This celebration of her life will be held at 3 p.m. at Unity In Marin, 600 Palm Drive, Novato. A reception will immediately follow in the courtyard.

For those who may wish to make a contribution in memory of Jennifer, a scholarship fund has been established for her Little J at Patelco Credit Union, c/o James Cooper, 140 Vintage Way #G9, Novato, CA 94945; account number 914824.

Thank you all so much.

-Dennis

It is with a heavy heart that I write to let you know that Jennifer passed away today, June 6.

On Sunday, May 20, Jennifer entered the hospital with an intestinal perforation, ensuing infection, and acute peritonitis. Surgery was not an immediate option because of the Avastin she had been taking to treat her cancer as well as an unknown amount of active tumors surrounding her intestine. The plan was to manage her pain and treat the infection with antibiotics until enough time had passed after her last Avastin treatment that surgery had a chance of being successful. Jennifer remained relatively stable until Sunday, May 27 when a CT scan showed multiple new abscesses in her intestine and increasing amounts of fluid leaking into her abdomen. At this point the very best option for Jennifer was to make her as comfortable as possible until she made her transition.

This past week and a half Jennifer has not felt any pain and she will never feel pain, fear, or worry again. She was surrounded by family and loved ones around the clock, and the wonderful nursing staff did an incredible job of honoring her grace and making this as dignified a process as possible.

Until this past weekend, there were a number of times when Jennifer was awake and alert. During one of these cherished final conversations she said, “People think I am unlucky, but I am not. “
She whispered to me, “I am ready to go.”
And at one point she suddenly woke up, smiled a huge smile and simply said, “Wow… wow…wow…”

Jennifer loved writing this blog and she loved to hear from everybody from all parts of the world. Thank you to all of you for your support of Jennifer and for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, and interest in following her story. If you are moved to, could you please send one last note and perhaps include the town or country where you are from. I will collect these for Little J to have when he is older.

I will post once more when we have the details for the memorial service which will be in Novato (Sugartown) on Monday, June 11. Until then, I will leave this with a quote from Little J the morning after I told him mom was going to die. I think Jennifer would want us all to carry this with us.

“Dad, I do not need to be sad about this. Her spirit will always be with me.”

-Dennis

Little J stopped by the hospital this morning with a pink potted geranium and a happy mood.

I gave him so many hugs and kisses to last him until I will see him in just over a day, at the soonest.

He left me with gorgeous grins and laughter to take with me under the anesthesia in about forty minutes.

Hugs,

Jennifer

I woke at 6:30 with a migraine. Sometimes epiphanies come with headaches. I couldn’t open my eyes, but shortly after, Little J, on instinct(?) crawled into our bed, wedging between Dennis and me.

As his little arms wrapped around me, his hands softly petting my shoulders, the pain didn’t budge, but all of my focus went to the little pads of his fingers, their potent tenderness.

Dennis scooched in and wrapped a strong arm over both us. Then Virgil settled into the top of the pile. Nothing moved but our breathing bodies and J’s gentle pets on my arm.

I learned how early it was when I asked for some coffee and Excedrin a bit later. Dennis obliged and also called Kim who was able to move my Avastin appointment to eleven. The dears.

My headache was gone by the time the boys snuggled back in after breakfast, waiting for the daily Virgil story. With an icepack to the noggin for good measure, I whisked us away to the land where that cat gets up to crazy adventures. Soon after, we were all starting our days feeling fine.

I say it time and again, but it’s true. Without the love of this family, I would be dust. Their hearts and the love of my dear friends, my mom, dad, and brother, is what keeps me going. We have survived hell time and again. And I’m not even talking about the cancer. I mean the likes of which make this disease seem feeble.

But we choose love, because that’s where life is.

If you are bitter and complaining because you feel like you don’t have enough, or others aren’t giving you enough, steer clear of me. If you lash out at people around you because you feel victimized or stressed by something you brought on yourself, steer clear of me. If you choose to see what’s wrong with every day when you have sweet little fingers reaching for you, needing you to be happy, steer clear of me. If you walk around with a scowl on your face, my door is not open to you.

This is new for me. My heart is open to all, but my physical space is open to people who put positive energy into the world, who feel what’s good and celebrate it. This is a new boundary for me and it gets enforced. Starting now.

Here’s to more moments in the garden with friends, more laughter, and yes sorrow, because that’s life. But always a willingness to see the good. I can feel those tiny fingers on my shoulders now, as the Avastin goes in and the space around me has more place to breathe.

Hugs,

Jenn

While Dennis was away on a James Bond business trip which involved a tux and flying on a jet(!), Little J and I enjoyed some gorgeous weather and good times with friends here in Sugartown.

One afternoon in the garden, the dude took my phone and snapped a couple shots which he then cropped, tinted, captioned.

The first one is above. I love the framing and light streams. The second is below. Note the caption:

Hugs,

Jennifer